Skip to main content

Making a web browser

After a recent run around with a whole bunch of JavaScript code, I now have new names for all the popular web browsers out there:

Internet Explorer = Internet Exposer
Netscape = Netscrape
FireFox = Flaming Fart
Safari = Roy Horn
Opera = It's Over!

Opera doesn't really need a name change. The name itself implies that "the fat lady" will sing or has already sung. Images of a large woman in a viking outfit singing really high notes, cracked glasses, chandeliers shattering, and general disaster ensuing is a sufficient enough association. The "it's over" is a reference to's various "issues" of "Teen Girl Squad" where everyone is usually killed off in fairly grotesque manners.

Safari reminds me of Roy Horn. A Las Vegas magician with no brain cells - stick your head in a tiger's mouth, you'll get it lopped off for you. Tiger is also the name of the latest Mac OS. Hmm...

A search for "Flaming Fart" on Google turns up some interesting videos of college guys who think it is great to hold lighter fluid near explosive gas and video taping it. Then they distribute the video on the Internet. These are the same sorts of people developing FireFox. Enough said.

Netscrape is a great name for any Netscape browser. I know a few people who only call it Netscrape...because it makes a giant virtual "scraping sound" as you surf the web. Kind of similar to being drawn and quartered.

Internet Exposer is a terrific description for IE. Spyware, viruses, and other rogue ActiveX controls find their way into this browser on many people's computers. The reference also includes the public nakedness aspect. IE is also terrible at accurately labeling JavaScript error messages...but it displays great-looking pages.

Writing JavaScript is like figuring out the best way to set oneself on fire, chop limbs off, or other gruesome, gross, and stupid things people do/have done. The problem is cross-browser compatability. No one can seem to agree on how anything should be done when it comes to displaying web pages. And the underlying problem is that programmers don't have a clue on how to write code. I've had FlamingFart fans on this blog telling me about the "virtues of using the browser".

Here's my solution: Shoot your programming team and get one that will replicate IE's functionality first-and-foremost - THEN work on making it better. Don't go off all "let's make our browser 100% Standards compliant" because none of them are and, guess what? IE still holds 80% of the market share so that makes IE the standard regardless if there is some specification that says otherwise. When your browser achieves over 50% of the market share, then you can start calling the shots.